I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
