I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
