Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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