I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
