I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
