take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
