I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
