If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
