Umm I'm too high to move.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
