FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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