She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
