the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
