you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
