I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
