Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
there is glitter all over my balls
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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