just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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