The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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