If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
