Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
