i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
