You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
