You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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