She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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