the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
