How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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