Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
