Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
