you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
