Sry I called you an 8
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
