I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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