Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
