My sheets look like a crime scene.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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