He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
