I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize