I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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