in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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