me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
