Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
