Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Of course I have a pirate flag
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
