Your face is a jimmy john
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
