After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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