At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
