Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
