How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
