just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
