the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
