Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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