i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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