Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
