i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
