my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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