Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
