Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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