Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
this hospital has no fireball
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
