Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
