im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
