There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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